Recall That Feeling

So it goes--the age old argument as why not to get inked is merely regret.

Regret.
Regret.
Regret.


Yes, there is a high chance that one day you may wake up and think, Gosh, I don't want this on my body. But if you consider the image part of your soul, would you really want to reject it one day? Well, yes I suppose you might. People every day judge themselves, compare their bodies to others and hate some minute part of themselves. Akin to strongly disliking a freckle, regretting body art in which you have (hopefully) put much thought into, just wouldn't make sense. It's all about perspective. If you love your body & mind, then you should love the decisions, flaws, and mistakes  that you create. Maybe I'm being too new-agey, but I really think this life is too short to limit your desires to what you should do or worry how others perceive you--to an extent. I now consider tattoos a form of zen self-expression. As one of the earliest art forms, tattoos are simply apart of the human condition: the need to express and differentiate oneself. When tastefully done right, they can be quite lovely. Some friends of mine wear them beautifully. No, they are not for everyone. They are probably not for me. But I have come to appreciate the beauty, for it shares a deeper portal into the person bearing what they believe to be a symbol that represents some aspect of their soul--great or small.

They say humans change every seven years into an entirely new person. Though the tattoo you get will never change, your opinion of it could easily slip away. If you could only teleport your mind back to that mental space your once found yourself contemplating the California grizzly bear tattoo and recall that feeling--a particular moment in your life, in time--maybe then it would all be worth it.                                         

Here are some designs I appreciate on others:

                                                      

Memory & The City [Part One]

Maybe leaving suburban California was the start of it all. At age ten, I traveled to Holdingford, Minnesota for an extensive family reunion. It was an impressionable trip, being the first cross-country journey I'd ever taken. Memories of grassy fields, horse-back riding adventures and discovering open- plain antiquities such as carriage rides through town to church, will be forever bookmarked in my brain. Though, one memory I have associated with this vacation has nothing to do with Minnesota. In fact, it is a memory of something that never occurred in reality. Distinctly, I recall having my first vision of San Francisco. 


It was at the tail end of my stay in Minnesota. I had a ticket to return to California. My cousins planned to take their time by driving home. I was jealous that they were going to see most of the country through long-stretched roads. The travel bug ignited, I wanted to see everything with them too. When we were all back home together, in California, they told me of their detour to San Francisco. For some reason I believed (or imagined) they had reached the holy grail. I am sure they only mentioned typical things: clam chowder, Boudin bread, and trolly cars. But for some reason it looked like a mystic mountain amongst the fog, in my mind. Right then and there, my first distinct memory of San Francisco occurred. While dangling souvenir key chain's encapsulating the vision I began to build, my cousins described the cold summer chill the city breathed. And that, that was enough.

Forgetting

I look through my window
           out
                    toward Sutro                                                  Tower.
Clouds fade
in
       and
 past,
         cover it grey
                  then
             fade
back
       into the light.



As I read -
               sleep -
                         dream -
                                     wake-                   
                                                 I forget that tower is             there.

Nine

Hundred

&

Seventy
-
Seven

feet


It watches over
        me
          .

Oh San Francisco, I Sing to Thee

I've been living here for a year and some change. That's hardly enough time to call things 'serious.' Though, it sure feels like I am in a full-blown exclusive relationship with San Francisco (minus my sometimes wandering lust for New York). Honestly, I am one-hundred percent, completely head-over-heels, cliche-status, crazy in love for San Francisco. I wish I could describe my feelings more eloquently, but I just get so darn excited when I think of this city that I lose all ability to speak. Adjectives like amazing, terrific, and lovely, just will not suffice. So instead I've got pictures which I take on a daily--often hourly--basis of the city. Each picture speaks more words than I could ever sing:

Peering through the trees of Golden Gate Park

Upper Haight

Golden Gate Park - Morning Mist Hour

Anza Street, Outer Richmond, Over Looking Ocean Beach

7:00 AM Outer Richmond

Market Street

Chinatown

Golden Gate Park -- Buffalo Field

Rooftop

Golden Gate Bridge, Marin County

Have Your Cookie & Eat It

This is going to sound so twenty-first century, but being a blogger is hard work! Especially since most writers I assume have day jobs or other freelance obligations. How do they keep up with posting interested and thoughtfully assembled pieces each week? Maybe it isn't as hard as I believe it to be. Or maybe it really is difficult and I need to suck it up.

I've been toying lately with the idea of goals. Why do we set them? What do we gain from them? Why do some stick and others fail? My new job has required reading to help me dive into a new business-dynamic mindset. One such book, Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard, is about changing the way you perceive change. It's about making a switch in your life--one that you truly want to make--without totally changing who you are and how you think. For example, to stop eating cookies, I could just tell myself they are unhealthy and therefore make myself feel bad each time I eat one. According to Switch, that is entirely the wrong approach. People's habits and thought processes are not made to easily flip by will power alone. It takes some strategic planning and thinking tied along with the emotional side. Of course I want to eat that cookie right now. If I only listen to my emotions then I will eat it, straight away. If I only listen to my rational then I will never eat it. But if I combine forces and have a little pay off with a little self-control then I win. This book explains how. Though I haven't finished yet, it has good food for thought.

All this rambling about goals and blogging is because it is something I want to achieve, but need to work on. I've written about this before and pondered why it is that some activities we love are the hardest to complete. I adore writing, yet keeping up with it on a regular basis is, at times, daunting. At the end of a long day I usually want to curl up on the couch with a book and cup of lavender tea.

Well, all I can say for this post is that I am back on the blog. I will try my best to keep up with it no matter how hard the week is. In the end it feels far better to accomplish something rather than to keep putting it off and feel lazy. Now I'll go eat my cookie as a reward.

The In-Between

I am taking a step back.

Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed with work, relationships, and lacking personal time. I have been focusing far too much on things that bring me down, such as job pressures, money and caring too much about what people think of myself and my actions.

Life changes everyday. I shouldn't be so caught up in those things; trivialities come and go, constantly. Nothing is static or sure. What I need to do is be reminded of the present moment. How hard is that, when you are working towards a goal in the distant future? How do you focus on the in-between time?

Well, that is just it! That's the problem. This isn't the in-between. This is the now. This is life. If I consider today as a mere steppingstone to where I want to be, then I'll never achieve happiness. Today is the day--today is my end goal. Everyday is the goal. That's how life should be perceived.  

Family Portraits

The story of how my parents met.

Grandpa with Dad, Aunt & Uncle

Parents & Palm Trees

Gambling Grandma is a baseball fan

Le donut was first introduced to me around this time.

Halloween or regular outing?

Spoiled

Let me be older than one-year!

Flyin'

Hawaii wedding

An Old Year's Resolution

The date is January 10, 2013.  I suppose I'll do a journal entry for the New Year:

Usually, I approach a New Year with excitement. Though, I haven't felt like this New Year was anything special. With working more than a full-time schedule, my spirits have been rapidly deduced into apathetic gestures.  I don't like it. This isn't me. The person who I long to be is six months past--running around the beach, listening to "chillwave" twenty-four-seven, riding the buses for fun, and taking each day as an adventure--as I should be!

When work sucks the soul out of you (and don't get me wrong, I love my jobs and am ever so grateful for them), but when they really take all of your best effort each day and leave you feeling dry, then what's left but to change your attitude!

I've been reading a lot of zen lately, though hardly practicing it. The conundrum is doing those things you set out to do--those things you love. Making time for what's important.

Now I am about to really get cheesy and sentimental. Here's my self-motivating guide for 2013. It's a journal entry, but the ideas are universal.

________________________________________________________________________________

I am my own personal motivator.
I am positive energy & good thought.
I know the totality of myself, only. 
I am reason.
         but I am also extreme emotion.
And I can just as easily bring myself down if I don't stop each day and take inventory of how special my life is.

So, my New Year's resolution is going in place today. Which is, I want to absorb as much out of life as possible. I don't want to dwell on negativity as I already do. Every day is a new day. And there are endless opportunities in this city. I believe I am taking advantage of them.

I want to start fresh. No more self-doubt. Stick up for yourself! You're a smart, creative, lovely young woman. Don't let one restless night of worry bring you down. Don't let others bring you down! You know when you're being mistreated. And in that momemnt you must stick up for yourself & not put up with other people's bullshit. Not ever! It's a waste of your energy to even care. You know in your heart what is right. Use that as a compass.

Because if you've learned anything since high school, it is that people can be terrible & they can be terribly wrong. You know when either occur, so do not tolerate injustice inflicted upon yourself or others.

Remember hearing about that old lady somewhere (this story always stuck with me): She said she used to worry all throughout her twenties, and then when she hit 60 she woke up and realized she was living in the best time of her life because she let go--let go of self-doubt and worry.

It's all zen. Just be in the moment. You can handle life, moment by moment. Nothing is ever truely wrong when it is all just 'being'. 

Passing all their lives in wasted toil, they do not see the sublime peak of realization of being as is. 
    *Pao-Chih

Be, in 2013.

(Photo by Andrea: Big Sur March 2012)

The Light Outside My Window

It's been so long since I've written anything for this blog. I feel terrible for letting it sit untouched. All of my physical & mental efforts, unfortunately, have been going towards work. So now, to play catch up, here are some pretty photos I took--all relating to types of light against my window.

(Ok, the city scape is not a view from my house, but I had to include it.)

Don't Lose That American Spirit

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Maybe all it took was my moving away from perfect Orange County to realize the real issues at stake and that my vote does matter. But this was the first year I actually cared about what I was voting for. Living in a city of 812,816 people can do that to you. Living on your own, paying for you home, and living without proper healthcare also shakes up the apathetic voter.

Unlike rallies at Berkeley or camping for the Occupy movement, voting has a direct outcome. Change happens through the course of one day (backed by years of well thought political campaigning). Though you may think it small, your vote makes a difference because you are exercising your right not to sit at home and let the nation choose for you. Participating in the great debate shows that you care for America's future.

It's easy for people to think that it doesn't matter if what you voted for wins or loses because your vote is just one in a sea of millions. But then why go to the polls? 

Here's my San Francisco spin on why it's important to vote: If we thought of voting like recycling then we would have a much cleaner world. It’s the same mentality. People easily think I am one person so my actions aren't going to hurt anyone if I do or do not choose to recycle. Multiply that thought by a city of 812,816 and now we've got a lot of plastic bags reeking havoc on our environmental well being. 

There’s an overabundance of careless people out there, apathetic to our environment because they think others will do the 'hard' work for them, they don't think they--as single individuals--can make an impact, or they just simply do not give a damn. But the same can be said about voting. Some people believe that their individual vote will not change the scheme of things, so they choose to sit at home and let the nation decide for them. Those kinds of people, frankly, don’t get it. Why then wake up each day and go to work? Why do anything at all with such a bland attitude? It’s depressing. If you want positive change to occur, it all starts with a single individual. Living in the United States of America, we are supposed to be working collectively towards such goal. Am I being idealistic? Sure. But I don’t support those who decide not to make a political decision at all. Hey man, where’s your American spirit?